Beginning

This is the moment of embarking.
All auspicious signs are in place.

In the beginning, all things are hopeful. We prepare ourselves to start anew. Though we may be intent on the magnificent journey ahead, all things are contained in the first moment: our optimism, our faith, our resolution, our innocence.

In order to start, we must make a decision. The decision is a commitment to daily self- cultivation. We must make a strong connection to our inner selves. Outside matters are superfluous. Alone and naked, we negotiate all of life's travails. Therefore, we alone must make something of ourselves, transforming ourselves into the instruments for experiencing the deepest spiritual essence of life.

Once we make our decision, all things will come to us. Auspicious signs are not a superstition, but a confirmation. They are a response. It is said that if one chooses to pray to a rock with enough devotion, even that rock will come alive. In the same way, once we choose to commit ourselves to spiritual practice, even the mountains and valleys will reverberate to the sound of our purpose.

Deng Ming-Dao

I Am Complicating A Made Up Decision

I am at a loss for myself. For the past week, I have been hesitating on a decision that was already made up months ago. I just don't know how to react to myself. Maybe this due to my past experiences that leads me to be hesitant on this acting out what I wanted to do and still want to do. It's difficult having yourself as the the hindrance on what you want to do. The outcome of this decision is yet to be decided but what is important that it should be acted upon with the best that I can offer.

High self-confidence is not even an asset of mine when it comes to this situation. It is the one of the few things that I am not good at and fearful of doing throughout my life. The positive and negative aspects of it bothers me. I have to keep asking myself why do I think to far ahead and not concentrate on the present. My mind always wonder on all the possibilities that any of my decisions will result to, whatever they may be. I have to learn to savor the moment and just present myself.

And to complicate this matter even worse, I am not asking why did I make such a decision in the first place. Do I really need to always have a reason for wanting what I want.

Oh, why do I have to complicate my life? (sigh)

Working Again

I will start working tomorrow. I don't know what my job will be or who I'll be working for. However, I don't feel anything about working back there again. I'm not anxious or excited. Just want to go there tomorrow and start doing what i will be assigned to.

I really don't know what will happen tomorrow. Maybe stir up a little gossip somewhere on why I did come back after leaving it almost three years ago. I know I was over-hyped by some individuals there, even now. They think I am very good at something, and that something is what I am skeptical about. It's hard to live up to something that is expected of you.

I liked working in other places because I can start fresh, nothing much is expected of me. They will judge me only by what I am doing and nothing else. But here, I have to live up to the the excellence of my parents. Be at par or greater than their abilities. This excellence was already expected of me even before I graduated It's nice to be known for something good, however, it is difficult for me because I was already expected to be good at something without proving myself yet. Maybe, this is how it works in the place I live in. I have been dealt with such a card and all I can do is do my best to make that card work.

There is something that i want to make myself clear and maybe to others as well, I was offered this job and I took it after much contemplation. I didn't look for it or even wanted it. And since I have accepted this new challenge, I will prove to myself that I was right in choosing it and do a good job while I'm at it. This is just another step of development for me and for my future. I just hope it works.

A Decision was Made

Over the course of the month, I was offered a new career but i meant i was go go back. I pondered on this decision a lot. Even consulted my friends and office-mates regarding this matter and they offered me their take on this offer. The result was unanimous but I have to make the final decision. Last night, the decision was made. I just hope that this decision was right. Was it fate that leads me back even if I tried to go away? Well, I will make my own fate. Hoping that the decision will be a springboard to something better.

Trying To Pull Me Back In

A few days ago, I was offered a much higher paying job than what I am currently earning. But the catch is I have to return to my old office in my hometown and work with almost the same supervisors. I left that office about three years ago with so many reasons. Some were personal while the others were based on my beliefs and convictions. I was taught that “the end does not justify the means” and I believed that to this day. I also believed that what is wrong will always be wrong even if all are doing it and while others are tolerating the people doing it.

I was exposed to corruption in the guise of progress. The rule was “I scratch your back, you scratch mine”. They were trying to shield their wrongdoings in legitimate projects. I can see through their ruse. I have seen people trying to go against the flow and they were vilified by the greedy ones. It’s happening right in front of my eyes and I can’t do anything about it. Then I left, without any notice and ever since they have been trying to persuade me to go back. Maybe I have left my mark there by doing what most of their employees cannot do.

Will I go back to that old job? The battle raging inside of me will be between my conviction and security. Yeah, it will be a higher paying job that could make life easier but over the course of the job, I will be used as a pawn to propel the greedy men’s desire. Some would say that I should turn a blind eye, because I was not doing the corruption. Maybe, but for me, it’s like forgetting something that I know is right. I am not trying to be the perfect person in an imperfect world. I have many flaws. I have made mistakes. I have failed. I was called too idealistic, but am just trying to live the correct life. Then again, maybe some may say that I will be an agent of change but I myself doubt that because I myself am not fond of change.

In the next few months, a tough decision will be made. I hope I will make the right one.