I Am Complicating A Made Up Decision

I am at a loss for myself. For the past week, I have been hesitating on a decision that was already made up months ago. I just don't know how to react to myself. Maybe this due to my past experiences that leads me to be hesitant on this acting out what I wanted to do and still want to do. It's difficult having yourself as the the hindrance on what you want to do. The outcome of this decision is yet to be decided but what is important that it should be acted upon with the best that I can offer.

High self-confidence is not even an asset of mine when it comes to this situation. It is the one of the few things that I am not good at and fearful of doing throughout my life. The positive and negative aspects of it bothers me. I have to keep asking myself why do I think to far ahead and not concentrate on the present. My mind always wonder on all the possibilities that any of my decisions will result to, whatever they may be. I have to learn to savor the moment and just present myself.

And to complicate this matter even worse, I am not asking why did I make such a decision in the first place. Do I really need to always have a reason for wanting what I want.

Oh, why do I have to complicate my life? (sigh)

When Will I Start It?

Having enrolled for a thesis more than a month ago, I still have no clue on what topic to do. I was supposed to attend a briefing on that matter but I have backed out because of the need to travel again. It was supposed to be a introduction on thesis writing but as I have inquired with my friend who took it before, it is not necessary though because the adviser that you will take will also teach you those stuff. However, my main problem is the topic. With so many choices, the problem is now in the choosing. I have to analyze it out thoroughly because I don't have that much financial capability to launch a large scale research on a subject matter. Maybe, this month I can find an approved topic so that I can start researching and hope to finish it by march.

Think Twice

I been a fan of the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Waterson ever since I laid eyes on it in some newspaper way back then. It's shows philosophical views applied in a comical sense from the mind of Calvin and his beloved tiger, Hobbes.

Here's one to think about:

Winning is as Hard to Deal With as Losing

Sometimes winning is as hard to deal with as losing. It's easy to moon over a lost love - to fantasize over what might have been, secure in the knowledge that it'll never happen - it makes a great excuse for not facing the risks and demands of reality.

Wolverine (Uncanny X-Men No. 183)

Lady Luck Wasn't On My Side

I was so excited and nervous before my recent trip. Anticipating what might happen, what would I say and what would I do. Rehearsing over and over in my mind the things I have to do to tell someone that I like them. But, alas, she couldn't meet with me because of some prior arrangement. Those were valid arrangements because she had planned it out beforehand and I was just trying to, maybe, insert myself in to her schedule. All that trip for nothing. I stayed in there with nothing to do. No plan B. That was it, it was my only goal.

I tried to do it outside my hometown because I don't know if such actions would be done discreetly. Tried to follow her on her vacation. Silly me. But things didn't turn out as planned, as it always is with my affairs of the heart.

God-willing, I hope that one of these days she'll meet with me. Just couldn't picture out her reaction if I asked her for a date. There's still time for me to prepare my nerves if that time comes. Talked to her before but not like this one that I'm about to do. Telling a friend that you liked them and want to be more than friends with her. I've done this before and it always end with disappointment.

Can't worry about what might happen, I just have to tell her what I fell. It's up to her to react and for me to wait for her reaction. Just thinking about it makes me my hands tremble and my heart beating faster.

Gotta keep calm.

But I don't know if can be calm about it.